I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
