I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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