Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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