When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
