I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
