Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
