I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
