If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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