U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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