he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
