Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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