Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
