Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
