guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
