My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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