i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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