I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
