STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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