that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
