Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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