Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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