we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize