What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think my mom watched the whole time
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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