I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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