God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
