I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
