put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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