how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
