I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
