dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
