I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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