Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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