if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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