just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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