Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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