Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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