Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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