do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
