Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why are your pants in the freezer?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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