hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just had sex on a roof
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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