I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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