just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize