is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
