I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
