I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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