I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
