I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
