stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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