i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
