I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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