my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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