I think my fart just growled at me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
