I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
