you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
