I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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