Umm I'm too high to move.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
