two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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