i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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