Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
