This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
