Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
