It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
But break dance skills will only take you so far
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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