The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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