i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He better not be in your backpack
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize