i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
