I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
