I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
