she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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