life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
