I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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