i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's the barista slut.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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